I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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