I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
