I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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