im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize