drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
