Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
