So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
