there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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