I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
