Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
