Only a mothe r could love this liver
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
