If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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