i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
