life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
