Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
