on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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