my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
