I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize