I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
