i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
