Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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