you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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