the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
