im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
