Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
