You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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