So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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