somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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