The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
