Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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