Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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