This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Terrible idea I love it
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
