All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
