dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
