Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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