So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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