wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
nutella sex= disaster
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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