I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
