D3 body, D1 cock
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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