just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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