Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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