through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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