I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
