i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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