Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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