the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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