He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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