We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
