Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
