Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
