when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
