if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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