Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
