gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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