I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Rumble strips road head = magical
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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