There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
My vagina is very pro this idea
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I think I just sharted jello shots
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
