The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
